


Those dark days

by theWholeShebang



Series: Lost and found [3]
Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Depression, F/F, Past Sexual Abuse, Teen Angst, Underage Drug Use, You asked for angst and I think I delivered, a bit of Lou's backstory as well, everyone is sad most of the time but it ends well, i don't know guys, mostly Debbie's POV, this gets dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2020-09-18 01:16:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20302015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theWholeShebang/pseuds/theWholeShebang
Summary: Ximena's past finally catches up with her, can Lou and Debbie help her?This story will tell how Ximena and her mothers deal with her trauma. It is part of the series but I think you can read it without reading the other stories.





	1. Please help me

**Author's Note:**

> 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' Lou's voice was raised. Ximena shrunk back into the couch. 
> 
> Debbie intervened. 'Stop, Lou, you're scaring her.'
> 
> Lou looked at Debbie and combed a hand through her hair in despair. 'Yeah well, she is scaring me.', snapped Lou. 
> 
> Ximena had almost curled up in herself. Her knees were tucked up and her face was buried deep in her legs. 
> 
> 'Stop.', she sobbed, her shoulders shaking violently. 'I want it to stop.'
> 
> Debbie looked at Lou's trembling form and Ximena's shaking body and very much felt like crying herself.

_February, sophomore year_

'Please help me.'

Ximena's voice was so desperate that Debbie barely dared to turn around to face her, afraid of the state her daughter would be in. For a horrible split second she imagined Ximena with sliced wrists.

Lou also looked up with alert and her eyes widened when she saw her daughter.  
'Where did you get that?', she barked harshly. Debbie finally looked around and was relieved by the absence of blood. Ximena stood behind the couch Debbie sat on, looking very pale, with a small plastic bag of pinkish powder in her hand.

'Is… is that heroin?', guessed Debbie alarmed, connecting Lou's reaction to the innocent looking bag in her daughter's hands.

'Did you use?', Lou was on her feet and walking over to Ximena. Ximena did not look up, her eyes seemed glued to the bag in her hand.

Lou shook her shoulders now. 'Did you use?', she asked again, with more force.

Ximena shook her head. 'No, but I want to, but I don't want to.', she whimpered.

Lou yanked the package out of her daughter's hands and put it in her back pocket. She then tilted Ximena's head and stared into her eyes.

'You're clean', she stated with a nod. 'She is clean.' she repeated once more, softer now.

Debbie watched the haunted look on her girlfriend's face, as Lou shook Ximena once more.

'Where is the rest?', she asked.

'This is all', replied Ximena, leaning as far out of her mother's reach as was possible.

'Bullshit.', spat Lou. She all but ran up the stairs and went into Ximena's room, presumably to look for more drugs. Ximena's gaze followed Lou all the way up the stairs to where she had disappeared in her room. Her bottom lip was trembling.

'Why would I tell you guys, if I didn't give you everything.', she said softly, turning to face Debbie, her eyes glistening with tears.

Debbie looked between Ximena and the bedroom door upstairs and sighed softly. Her heart ached for both of them, but she decided to focus on Ximena now and let Lou be on her little rampage for more drugs.

'I know.' She nodded. 'That was very brave of you.'

She patted on a spot next to her on the couch. Ximena took a few slow and hesitant steps towards her and then settled down on the couch.

Debbie watched Ximena's rigid form and a slight panic rose in her chest. Something was very wrong. Normally, even when upset, Ximena would sit closer, would never shy away from a hug or a touch. Now, Ximena was sitting upright on the couch, her hands pressing so hard on the couch that she was almost lifting herself off of it.

'Look at me.'

It was almost a beg. Ximena turned her head and Debbie stared in her daughter's dark eyes. Debbie had seen tears and pain in those eyes more times than she cared for, but never had Ximena looked so defeated. Nowhere in Ximena's face was there a sign of fight left and it scared Debbie incredibly much.

She knew that something had been off. The fact that her first thoughts were self-harm when Ximena had announced herself just a few moments before, had proven that. But it made no sense.

They should be fine. Ximena should be fine. Of course Ximena had struggled in the beginning. That was expected after all the trauma she had been through. But their amazing daughter had fought so hard to overcome all that.  
Together they had overcome her health issues, they had fixed her sleeping habits, Ximena had learned to deal with her triggers. How Ximena managed to do all that would never cease to amaze Debbie, but she had done it. She went to school, she had even made some friends, everything was all right now.  
More importantly, they loved each other. Surely that was enough?

Ximena looked on the verge of shutting down completely and Debbie knew that she had to go easy on the questions. Everything in Ximena's body language betrayed that she would not be able to explain her emotions, so Debbie decided to stick with facts.

'Did you buy those?', she questioned, keeping her tone neutral. As if she was asking about her daughter's shoes and not some dangerous drugs.

Ximena nodded.

'When?', questioned Debbie, ignoring her rapid heart beat.

'Sunday.', replied Ximena, her voice soft and deflated.

Debbie's mind went in overdrive. Sunday was four days ago. Why had Ximena only given the drugs up now? Why had Ximena actually given up the drug? Why buy it and not use it?

'Sunday you had group.', recalled Debbie, referring to Ximena's group therapy she went to weekly, it consisted out of survivors of sex trafficking. 'Didn't you go to group?'  
She had not picked Ximena up from group, because she usually went to hang with some of the girls there afterwards and came home on her on account. Now that she thought about it, Ximena had been home just in time for dinner last Sunday and had also been very quiet that evening. Lou and Debbie had not thought anything about it because Ximena would be quieter after therapy once in a while.

'Kristina and I bought some after group', confessed Ximena in that same dull tone that Debbie already started to dread. 'She is not clean yet.'

Debbie wanted to ask why but she did not dare. She was not sure if she did not dare because she did not want to push Ximena or because she was afraid of the answer.

With the clinking sound of metal Lou came down the stairs. She still had this manic air around her.

'Found this.', she spat, throwing some foil, a lighter and a little glass pipe on the table. She turned to Ximena.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' Lou's voice was raised. Ximena shrunk back into the couch.

Debbie intervened. 'Stop Lou, you're scaring her.'

Lou looked at Debbie and combed a hand through her hair in despair. 'Yeah well, she is scaring me.', snapped Lou.

Ximena had almost curled up in herself. Her knees were tucked up and her face was buried deep in her legs.

'Stop.', she sobbed, her shoulders shaking violently. 'I want it to stop.'

Debbie looked at Lou's trembling form and Ximena's shaking body and very much felt like crying herself.

'Lou, take a walk.', she ordered. She knew why Lou was acting like this and she did not blame her, but it was not helpful.

Lou opened her mouth to protest, but Debbie stopped her with a firm motion of her head.

'I will stay with Ximena.', she promised. 'Nothing is going to happen.'

Lou slowly nodded her head a few times and it was a testimony to how much she trusted Debbie. She took a few steps backwards towards the door her eyes still on Ximena. Then she turned around and left.

The sound of the front door slamming shut fell over the loft. Debbie sat on the couch and gave herself a minute to collect herself.

She took a few deep breaths. Her brain was already making lists, springing into action. She needed to call Kristina's group home and alert them that there were drugs in their possession. She needed to call dr. Parker, Ximena's therapist. Her brain could handle those tasks. What she could not handle, however, was the sobbing form of her daughter next to her.

She almost did not dare to press Ximena to open up. Not ready for all the misery the girl would reveal. Not ready to know why Ximena wanted to escape in drugs.

She gently dragged Ximena into her lap and started rocking the both of them. Ximena laid almost limp in her hold. Barely moving apart from some small hiccups. Debbie swayed them from side to side, humming some soothing melody and ignoring the few tears that rolled down her own face.

***

It was almost two hours later, when Lou walked back in again. Debbie and Ximena were in the kitchen, where Debbie had done some halfhearted attempt at dinner. It had been an effort in vain because all the girl had done with her dinner was swirling around the spoon in her bowl of soup which was lukewarm by now.  
Debbie carefully watched Lou's body language and was relieved to see that there was more determination in her features than fear. This was better than the state Ximena was in, which made Debbie completely uncomfortable. Ximena was acting very similar to when she had first entered their lives; A helpless creature waiting for instructions.

She did not like it one bit.

Lou gave Debbie a questioning look, but Debbie shook her head. Ximena had not revealed much in Lou's absence.  
The only information that Debbie had gathered was that Ximena wanted _it_ to stop and wanted to feel better. Debbie had called dr. Parker, Ximena's therapist, but the woman had been annoyingly calm about the whole event.  
She had said that Ximena was probably experiencing some dark thoughts and may have tried to escape those thoughts by using drugs. The fact that she had trusted her moms enough to let them stop her self-destructing actions was enough for dr. Parker to conclude that there was no reason to panic. The therapist had not seen any reason to reschedule their appointment and she would see them in a week.

Lou sat down opposite Ximena and Debbie put a bowl of soup in front of her as well. It felt a bit fake to have a meal together. She felt like she was in a play. But she really did not know what to do except to keep going on as usual until Ximena went to her therapist.  
She leaned on the counter and eyed Lou and Ximena at the table. They were both playing with their spoon, mirroring each other. Ximena was looking down though, where Lou was watching her daughter intently.

'Can you explain to me why you feel like you need drugs?', pried Lou very gently and Debbie was satisfied with her friendlier tone.

Ximena looked up when Lou talked to her and seemed surprised to see her. She stared at her mother for a full minute.

'I just want to feel like I did before.', she said flatly.

'You want to feel like when you were getting raped by men every day?', repeated Lou with some harsh disbelief in her voice.

'No! That is not what I meant', replied Ximena with hurt in her voice. 'I just want to feel good.' Debbie was not at all impressed by Lou's manners, but she was strangely relieved that there was some resemblance of emotions back in her daughter.

Debbie sat down next to Ximena and rubbed slow circles on her back, unable to keep her hands to herself, having this strong need to show Ximena how loved she was.

'How do you mean you want to feel good? Don't you feel good now?', she questioned.

Underneath her hand she could feel Ximena take a deep breath.

'I don't know... It is just my head is... I feel like I'm thinking too much.', said Ximena. 'It doesn't make sense. But I need it to stop.'

Debbie looked over to Lou to see what she was thinking. Lou was watching Ximena with her mouth slightly open and her eyes seemingly looking at something that was not in the kitchen. Underneath all the worry, Debbie also felt slightly frustrated. She needed Lou with her, not battling her own demons.

'Lou?', she said, trying to get her attention.

Lou snapped out of it. 'Until we know you are feeling good again and the thinking stops...-', Lou waved her hands around her own head to emphasize her point. 'You are sleeping with us.'

Ximena looked at Lou. 'You can't force me to sleep with you.'  
Underneath her defiance there was some fear evident in her voice.

Debbie could not help but feel uncomfortable. However well intended Lou's demand had been, something felt very wrong about forcing Ximena to sleep with them even though it would be completely different.

Lou ran her hand through her hair. 'No, not like that. You can sleep on the floor or I can sleep on the floor. But we need to keep an eye on you, to help you to not take to drugs.'

Ximena now looked at Debbie her eyes wide in a plea. 'Mom?', she questioned, her voice very small.

With pain in her heart, Debbie nodded. There was too much logic in Lou's words.  
'Sorry love, but mama is right.'  
She gently squeezed Ximena's shoulder.

Ximena closed her eyes and slumped down in her chair. She looked completely defeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have set myself the goal of updating this every Sunday, but I guess we'll have to wait and see if I will actually do that :)
> 
> Also, if you have the time to write a comment, please do, it truly makes my day and it helps with my writing <3
> 
> Next time: Lou opens up about her past.


	2. I can't lose you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie watched her daughter, sitting on her knees on top of the duvet and realized that she was keeping her distance from Lou.
> 
> 'Lou', she said out loud, knowing full well that she was putting her partner on the spot. 'I think you need to tell Ximena about Jake.'
> 
> She could feel Lou tense up immediately. Ximena seemed to notice the change in Lou as well, her dark eyes carefully observing her mother. 
> 
> 'Who is Jake?', asked Ximena in a soft voice and Debbie could see that she was already leaning closer towards Lou. 
> 
> Lou took a deep breath which she let out with a heavy sigh, before she replied. 
> 
> 'Jake was my brother.'
> 
> \---
> 
> Warning: this whole fic is going to be quite dark and will deal with heavy topics such as forced prostitution, child neglect and drug abuse.  
I don't think it is very explicit but it is referenced quite a lot.

True to her word, Lou had set up a camping bed in the corner of their bedroom. Ximena was sitting on the big bed in front of Debbie for now, while Debbie was brushing the girl's wet hair. This was not an unusual scene, sometimes Debbie would braid Ximena's hair after she washed it. Usually this would happen when they were going somewhere the next day and Ximena wanted her hair to be extra curly, and usually Ximena would not be so quiet. 

Debbie watched how her daughter was plucking at the duvet. She was not sure whether Ximena was frustrated or nervous. It was a tic Ximena showed on both occasions. She could imagine Ximena being either frustrated or nervous about sleeping in their room. She had never spent a night in their room, sometimes she would curl up in their big bed when her period cramps got the worst of her, but only in the morning or when she was staying home from school.

Maybe she is anxious, because she wants to sneak out and do drugs, said a tiny voice in Debbie's head. Or maybe she is mad that you are treating her like she has done something wrong when all she did was come to you for help, said another voice in Debbie's head. 

Debbie concentrated on the strands of black hair in front of her. She did not know whether they were doing the right thing with Ximena. Nobody had prepared her for this. 

Lou appeared from the bathroom, just when Debbie finished the second braid. There was something weird about seeing Lou clad completely in pajamas, most of the time the woman would only wear a top and no pants. 

Lou walked over to the bed and kissed the top of Ximena's head. 

'Oh love', she sighed. 'what is going on in that head of yours?' 

Ximena shrugged as she scooted over so Lou could slid underneath the blankets. An awkward silence fell over the room as three pairs of eyes looked at the new bed in the corner. This was when Ximena had to decide where she wanted to sleep. 

Debbie watched her daughter, sitting on her knees on top of the duvet and realized that she was keeping her distance from Lou.

'Lou', she said out loud, knowing full well that she was putting her partner on the spot. 'I think you need to tell Ximena about Jake.'

She could feel Lou tense up immediately. Ximena seemed to notice the change in Lou as well, her dark eyes carefully observing her mother. 

'Who is Jake?', asked Ximena in a soft voice and Debbie could see that she was already leaning closer towards Lou. 

Lou took a deep breath which she let out with a heavy sigh, before she replied. 

'Jake was my brother.'

The past tense of that sentence definitely got Ximena's attention as she scooted a little closer, her knees now touching the bulge were Lou's legs were under the blanket. 

Debbie grabbed Lou's hand and squeezed it. 

'I grew up around a lot of drugs.', started Lou. 'My mom, she kind of ran a crack house. Our home would always be filled with drugs and junks and dealers. It was horrible.' 

Ximena's eyes seemed glued to her mother as she gave Lou all her attention. Lou was staring at her knees in a very un-Lou-like fashion.

'My mom, she was an addict and sometimes she would get really violent and also the whole house was always kind of infested with junks. I never really felt safe.' 

Debbie realized that Lou got into detail because she too knew how important it was that Ximena understood her behavior of this afternoon.

'The only place I felt safe was with Jake. He was four years older than me and he was the best big brother I could ask for. He always took care of me. Sometimes he even cooked me dinner. He'd walk me to school and made sure that no junkie ever slept in my bed. He was more like a parent to me than my mother ever was.', said Lou bitterly. 

Ximena was all ears. 'Did you use as well?', she asked carefully. 

Lou was silent for a few seconds before she gave a barely conceivable nod.

She looked into Ximena's eyes. 'It happened a few times, that I used. One of my mom's boyfriends once stuck a needle in my arm and told me "not to be a stuck up little bitch" and another time my mother just refused to give me food until I did a shot with her.'

Ximena's small hand settled on Lou's legs, she looked very serious with her head slightly cocked. 

'I never really liked it though', she answered Ximena's unasked question, looking up at her daughter. 'I mean, when I was high it felt great but afterwards it just felt off. I was always scared that I would disappear into nothingness.' 

Ximena nodded. 'I hated it too in the beginning, like you stop being you...', she confessed softly. 'but Hector just kept giving me it and it was better than…'

Debbie had trouble swallowing because of the big lump in her throat. She really did not like that her daughter and girlfriend could bond over drug abuse. 

'Jake really did not want me to use.', continued Lou, putting her hand on top of Ximena's, her thumb softly scraping over the girl's knuckles. 'He would say to me: "Little Lou don't you ever dare take that crap. You're too brilliant to mess yourself up."' 

Lou smiled sadly. 'He always called me Little Lou.', she reminisced. 'and then I'd call him Giant Jake, but he didn't really like it. He said it sounded like a porn name.' 

Ximena smiled uncertainly at Lou's story.

'He didn't want me to, but Jake used all kinds of drugs himself.', said Lou and her voice was even lower than usual, heavy with sadness.

Debbie noticed that Ximena's eyes quickly darted over to her. She realized that Lou's behavior was very new for Ximena, because Lou rarely got emotional in front of others. 

Lou went on with her tale. 'I wasn't really popular at school. Our house was the rotten spot of town, you see. I got bullied quite a lot. You can't really blame them, I looked really bad. My clothes were dirty and my hair unwashed, I could be covered in scratches and bruises. Nobody talked to me, it felt like even the teachers would ignore me. Sometimes a week would go by and the only person who would talk to me was Jake. Jake was my only friend. But that didn't really matter to me, because he could always make me laugh.'

She took a shuddering breath and Debbie really felt bad for making Lou revisit her childhood. Ximena's face was filled with compassion as she listened to Lou.

'When I got a bit older and went to secondary school, kids would always ask me for drugs. They just assumed I was a dealer. So, I became one. Jake, he set me up with some weed. It felt really good. I earned some money and I made some friends. Maybe not friends, but people who hung out with me.' 

She absentmindedly played with the fingers of Ximena's hand. 

'Jake was getting worse. He used more and more drugs. Sometimes he would be high for days on end. I didn't really know what to do. I begged him to stop of course, but I didn't do anything. I didn't help him. I just went on with life and ignored the problem.' 

Lou took another deep breath and her voice was shaky when she continued. 

'And then, one day, when I was sixteen, I came home and Jake was in his bed. He wasn't moving. At first I thought that he was just really high. I shook him and I yelled at him-.'  
Debbie saw a tear roll down Lou's cheek as she recalled quite possibly the worst day of her life. 

'-But he didn't wake up.' Lou's voice sounded years older. 'He had had an overdose.'

Lou looked at Ximena, eyes glistening. 'And I don't think I can handle it if I come home and find another body of someone I love.' Her voice broke as more tears fell down her face. 'I can't lose you to drugs too.'

'Mama?' Ximena was on her knees and looking anxiously at Lou. 'Ma, don't cry.', she pleaded. 

Ximena's eyes darted over to Debbie and Debbie could clearly see some panic in those eyes. She understood, because even in the decades they had known each other, she could count the amount of times Lou had cried on one hand.  
There was something very unreal about seeing Lou losing her composure.

Ximena desperately tried to stop the tears. Her small hands on Lou's face, stroking away the tears. Debbie watched, she was not sure how she could intervene. Somehow this felt like something Ximena and Lou needed to experience. 

'Don't cry', Ximena tried. 'I'm not like Jake.'

Lou was already trying to control her emotions. She took a few deep breaths and squeezed Debbie's hand painfully hard.

'You don't know me as well as Jake.', consoled Ximena. 'So it won't be as bad if I die.' 

Debbie felt like she could not breath because the lump in her throat was simply too big. She wished that Ximena valued herself more.

Lou burst out in some slightly hysterical messy tearful laughs. 'You are so wrong, sweetheart.', she told Ximena, pressing the girl to her chest in a tight hug. 

'So wrong', she repeated, rocking herself and Ximena slightly. 'It would be the worst.'

Debbie scooted closer, she needed the comfort of her family as well. 'You're our daughter Ximena', she told the girl. Ximena looked up to her from an awkward angle, still pressed to Lou's chest. 'You mean the world to us.'

Ximena looked at her and Debbie saw that she tried to believe it. She knew that her years on the street and afterwards as sex traffic victim had filled Ximena with the believe that she did not matter. That she was worthless. She and Lou really tried to instill on the girl how much she meant to them, how much she mattered, but at times Ximena had trouble believing it.

Slowly, Ximena nodded. 'Okay.'

Ximena turned to Lou, she was practically laying on top of her mother by now. 'I don't want to use drugs, mama. I don't want to die. I just want to stop...'

To Debbie that did not sound very promising. Stopping sounded like giving up.

'Stop what, sweetheart?', questioned Lou, stroking Ximena's hair. 

'just…'. Ximena stomped the side of her head, quite hard. 'Stop the thoughts.', she replied. 

'What thoughts?', questioned Debbie. 

'I dunno', replied Ximena. 'All of them. There are too many, it's too much.'

Lou stared down at Ximena. 'We will help you with that', she promised. 'But can you promise that you will come to talk to us instead of trying to escape to drugs.'

Ximena was quiet for such a long time that Debbie briefly wondered if she had fallen asleep.

Finally she replied. 

'I can't promise that', she said in the tiniest voice.

Lou just hugged her tighter, she seemed to have expected that answer. Debbie tried to swallow away the lump but it was burning in her throat anyway, making it painful to swallow. 

Ximena seemed to accept that Lou was not going to let her go for tonight and wiggled until she lied a bit more comfortably next to her. 

That night, Ximena slept in Lou's embrace. Debbie right beside them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think <3
> 
> Next time: Debbie and Ximena take a long walk and have a long talk.


	3. We only ever wanted you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie felt completely overwhelmed. Ximena was displaying so much emotion, so many problems, she did not know which one to handle. Her mind was swamped by all the possible outcomes all her next moves could have. Her brain was not wired for this kind of pain, her mind was wired to quickly skim around problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than I planned, but I hope you guys can still follow it and I hope that you like it!

Debbie felt for her keys in her purse as a feeling of dread settled in her stomach even before she heard the yelling inside. Just a few weeks before, opening her front door would have filled her with more happiness than she would care to admit. As an Ocean, she did not like the domestic life of course, but seeing Lou and Ximena having fun in their kitchen made her heart jump with joy every time.

However there had not been much joy in their home, ever since Ximena had given them the heroin. Things had been tense.

The first few days after Ximena had given them the drugs, Debbie could only describe as sad. Ximena had seemed to have given up. It was like living with a ghost.

On Sunday, Ximena had announced that she was going back to her own room. Lou had not been a fan of that idea, but Debbie was just glad that Ximena was making decisions again. Besides, it was not possible for the sixteen-year old to sleep in their room forever.

Monday, Ximena went back to school and for one moment Debbie had hoped that everything would be alright.

She had been wrong. Ximena had come home moodier than she had ever been. Ignoring her moms, her homework and her dinner, she had locked herself in her room.

On Wednesday they had finally gone to dr. Parker, but it had not solved all their problems. In hindsight this was only logical, but Debbie had put so much hope in that one appointment. She had imagined that if only they could make it to Wednesday, dr. Parker would know how to fix everything.

The therapist had diagnosed Ximena with symptoms of depression, but was apprehensive with medication until she knew how severe Ximena's depression was. Debbie and Lou had agreed with withholding medication because it felt wrong to give their daughter drugs after Ximena had willingly given them the heroin. Dr. Parker would see Ximena more regularly and Lou and Debbie were meant to keep a log book to keep track of Ximena's mood swings and any change in her eating habits.

Ximena's mood seemed to swing mostly between anger and tears these days and as Debbie finally opened the front door, she was met with both.

For some reason most of Ximena's anger of the past two weeks had been directed at Lou. It seemed like Lou could not do anything right in Ximena's eyes.

Every day there was arguing.

Lou and Debbie had decided that they did not want Ximena to hang out with Kristina or other friends and Lou insisted on picking her up from school and therapy to ensure that new rule.

It seemed that there was -yet again- a discussion about the school run.

'I don't want you to pick me up, I want to be with my friends!', screamed Ximena, her cheeks shiny with tears of frustration.

To Debbie it seemed that Ximena cried non-stop. Anything could make Ximena burst into tears nowadays. Yesterday, Debbie had asked if Ximena wanted tomato on her sandwich and in response the girl had started crying.  
Debbie knew that it was not her fault, but it scared her to ask Ximena anything now, too afraid that she would be the reason for her daughter to cry.

Anytime Ximena screamed at Lou that would be a reason for tears to make an appearance as well whether in anger or sadness, which meant that there were tears in her daughter's eyes pretty much all of the time.

'We want you here, so we know you are safe.', replied Lou and Debbie could tell by the weariness in her voice that she had repeated this point several times by now.

'I don't want to be here!', screamed Ximena at the top of her lungs and there was an alarming intensity in her voice.

'And I don't want you dead!', yelled Lou almost as loud. Debbie quietly put her keys on the stand by the door. She really did not know what to do, she was tired of meddling between her daughter and her partner.

It did not help that she was not so sure that keeping Ximena under lock and key would help with her recovery. Lou was not wrong either though, because one weak moment and one overdose could mean that their daughter would be gone forever. She just wished that it was something she and Lou could discuss, but Lou was adamant about keeping an eye on Ximena.  
There was not much time to discuss it either because they barely had a moment of privacy. During the day, Ximena was mostly with them. At night, she barely saw Lou either, because more often than not the woman would sit downstairs until deep in the night to keep an eye on her daughter. Even when she came to bed, she would get up several times to check up on Ximena.

Debbie started to resent the empty spot next to her in the bed, almost as much as Ximena started to resent her lack of privacy. Debbie felt like Lou and she were not on the same team and that had never ended well before.

'Your friends gave you drugs.', explained Lou. 'I don't want you hanging out with them.'

'My friends didn't...'  
Ximena almost stamped on the ground in frustration, her hands balled up in fists.  
Ximena's voice was suddenly cold and calm. 'You know, Lou, you are such a fucking hypocrite. You were the one selling drugs to your friends. Maybe I shouldn't hang out with you.'

Lou stepped back as if she had been slapped. Hurt evident on her face. She obviously had not expected such a personal sneer from her daughter.

Using the stunned silence, Ximena turned around and stormed to her room, which was against one of the other rules Lou had set; Ximena was not allowed to lock herself up in her room.  
However, Debbie intervened before Lou could follow Ximena to her room for another screaming match through the door.

Pick your battles, dr. Parker had said.

She walked over to Lou, who looked a bit disheveled from all the screaming.  
Lou looked at Debbie. 'I never sold heroin to my friends. It was different.' She said, obviously shocked by Ximena's statement.

Debbie nodded. 'I know.' She wisely kept to herself that Kristina did not sell heroin to Ximena either but had just aided the girl on her quest.

She embraced Lou, wanting to comfort her. 'Ximena is only hurting you, because she is hurting herself.'

Lou pushed herself out of the embrace. 'You sound ridiculous. Don't watch so much daytime television, get a job.', she said annoyed.

Debbie felt slightly irritated because she was only trying to help.  
'Don't go to Ximena now', she warned sharply when Lou turned around. 'Let her be for a while. I will go for a walk with her soon.'

Dr. Parker had pointed out the importance of Ximena keeping fit. They could not allow her to lay in bed for days on end.  
Debbie and Lou had taken a walk with their daughter every day since then. Today Debbie thought it might be wise if she went alone.

She pressed a kiss on Lou's cheek. 'I love you.'

Lou did not reply but was sulking instead. Again, Debbie felt this weird disconnect with Lou.

***

A very meek Ximena followed Debbie through the same front door Debbie had walked in just thirty minutes before.  
It always went like that. Ximena would lash out at Lou but would afterwards feel guilty. Then you had a guilty Ximena and a hurt Lou and a frustrated Debbie, because she could not bear the unnecessariness of the whole episode. She really did not see the point of Ximena hurting Lou's feelings if she would feel so guilty afterwards. Why did Ximena do it in the first place?

'Is it okay if we go to Danny?', asked Debbie. Ximena looked a bit surprised. Debbie had never taken her daughter to her brother's grave because she did not see any reason to saddle Ximena up with a dead family member she had never met. The slushy sidewalks in the cold February wind were hardly an invite for a long walk but Debbie suddenly really missed her brother.

'I know it is a bit far, but we can get food on the way back, so mama doesn't have to cook.', Debbie said. The walk would easily take two hours, giving Lou some time to cool off.

Ximena gave a quiet nod. Debbie quickly texted Lou their plans so they would not return with the take-out while Lou was already cooking.

Ximena trailed behind her, like she had done before when her moms had taken her for their daily walk.  
Debbie sighed, she had hoped that Lou's absence would mean that Ximena would walk beside her. First of all because there was more space and secondly because she thought that Ximena's anger was mostly directed at Lou.  
She suspected that Lou had inadvertently done something to upset Ximena and Debbie's goal was to find out what that was, so peace could return to her home.

Ximena did not seem to want to fill the empty spot next to Debbie but that was okay, they had a long walk in front of them and Debbie was playing the long game.

However, Ximena was quiet even on the best of days, so in the end it was Debbie who broke the silence. She slowed down her pace, ending up next to Ximena.

'Mama really loves you, you know', she told the girl.

Ximena kicked an empty can and watched it fly over the side walk. 'Yeah well, I didn't ask her to do that', she replied. 'That's her mistake.'

Debbie had kind of expected that Ximena would reply with 'I love her too.', and had planned her conversation around that answer. It worried her a little that she could not read Ximena as well as she used to.

It seemed like her daughter had a lot more anger in her than usual.

She did not blame Ximena. Every time Debbie thought about Ximena's past, she was filled with such a rage that sometimes it scared her. If she thought about all the men who had raped the fourteen-year-old girl, she almost physically burned with hatred. She felt like she could murder every single one of those men with her bare hands.

Ximena had never shown that kind of anger. She never was mad about the way her life had turned out. Ximena always seemed resigned with her past. Maybe she did not feel like she particularly deserved it but as she had once said: "Shit happens, and it usually happens to me."

In the past week, Ximena suddenly had displayed all this cropped up anger. If Debbie were an optimist she would have seen this as a sign that Ximena finally valued herself and was mad at how life had been treating her.  
Debbie was a realist though and she suspected there was something else at play.

'This is actually your fault', continued Ximena bitterly. 'If you really loved Lou then you should not have taken me in.'

This whole conversation was not playing out in any way Debbie had hoped nor expected and she was actually so confused that she stopped walking.

'What do you mean?', she asked, feeling a bit attacked.

Ximena walked over to the railing at the edge of the sideway and watched the cars going by, her eyes never meeting her mom's.

When Ximena started talking, her voice was steadier than Debbie had expected. 'When you first met me, you knew I was messed up. Broken. Fucked-up forever. It was really stupid to take me with you. I mean, you saw how gross I was.'  
Debbie placed her hand on Ximena's shoulder to comfort the girl, but the girl jerked out of her touch. She quickly took her hand back, not wanting Ximena to flee onto the busy road.

'It is my fault too', said Ximena, looking sadly at the cars racing by. 'I wish that I had run away when I had the chance. But I didn't. I was really selfish. I really wanted to stay with you, you were so nice to me. And now I'm gonna hurt you and mama.'

She turned around, her eyes welling over with tears, but she angrily wiped them away. 'You should have taken another child, literally everyone would have been better than me.'

Debbie felt completely overwhelmed. Ximena was displaying so much emotion, so many problems, she did not know which one to handle. Her mind was swamped by all the possible outcomes all her next moves could have. Her brain was not wired for this kind of pain, her mind was wired to quickly skim around problems.

It was like Lou had said that Sunday morning, the last day that Ximena had slept in their room. Debbie and Lou had been up earlier than Ximena. She had been in the bathroom with Lou and had quietly asked her girlfriend if she thought Ximena would be alright.  
Lou had stared at the sleeping form of her daughter for a long time, her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, her eyes looked tired with dark rings under it. She had spit out her toothpaste and replied softly: 'I really don't see how, with everything she's been through. It is just so much.'

It was so much. Maybe too much. And suddenly Debbie did not see how either.

She dug her nails in her palms and took three deep breaths to keep her own tears at bay. She was Debbie Ocean and she never gave up. Certainly not on her daughter.

She tucked a hair behind Ximena's ear and gently turned the girl's head with the same movement. Now she could look into her eyes.

'We don't want another child.', she said in earnest. She took a deep breath before she continued, she really hoped her instinct was right on this one. 'Truth is, we never wanted a child. It was never even on the table. But then, we found you. Which was never planned. And then we got to know you. Only when we knew _you_, we wanted you. Not because we wanted a child, but because we wanted you, Ximena.', she said honestly. 'We only ever wanted you.'

Ximena's eyes were searching her face for the truth, Debbie could see that this sudden revelation had surprised Ximena as much as herself.

'We only ever wanted you', repeated Debbie and she could practically see Ximena's eyes grow with hope as her lips soundlessly repeated her words. Ximena stared at her, too stunned to speak

'You weren't looking for a kid?', asked Ximena, when she finally found her voice, her words thick with disbelief. Debbie suddenly blamed herself for not telling this earlier, this whole year Ximena had thought that she was just the best they could find.

Debbie shook her head. 'We weren't. Danny would be really surprised if he knew that I was a mother now.' She nodded her head towards the cemetery building, already visible at the end of the road. 'Ask him.'

Ximena's eyes flashed with the tiniest amount of humor. Her whole face seemed lighter. 'Danny is dead.'

'Then you have to take my word for it.'

***

Inside the cemetery were quite a lot of people and Debbie realized that she barely ever visited her brother during opening hours. They sat down on the bench in silence, both not really feeling like talking with all those strangers around.

As Debbie stared at the bronze letters of her brother's name on the marble, she wondered if Ximena ever visited her mother's grave. Sadly, she realized that there were still so many things she did not know about her daughter. She did not dare to ask, not willing to dampen the mood now, when Ximena finally seemed slightly less gloomy than she had in days.

She also wondered how Danny would react if he had seen her with her daughter. She sighed. She just wished that she could have one last conversation with her brother. Just once, so she could rub in the Touissant-heist and tell Danny about the family life she had created for herself.

She felt a small hand settled over her own, she looked to her side, Ximena was not looking back but still staring at the grave. She smiled. The last few weeks had been rough and if she was honest, there had been times that she had been fed up with Ximena's behavior. She loved Ximena with all her heart but that did not mean that she enjoyed being ignored by the teenager or liked watching her daughter insult her partner. But right now, with Ximena's hand covering her own, she realized that the caring girl, they had fallen in love with, was still there. Ximena had so much empathy for the people around her, she just wished that the girl had that empathy for herself.

She threw her arm over her daughter's shoulder and tugged her closer. 'I wished you would be as kind to yourself as you are to me', she told the girl.

She felt Ximena shrug. Debbie knew that this was not something they agreed on. 'You're really nice. I'm just a disappointment waiting to happen.', said Ximena softly, as she watched an old lady swap out some flowers at a grave a few stones away.

'You're not a disappointment.', shot Debbie back immediately.

Ximena scoffed and looked at her mom. 'You can stop pretending Debbie, even Lou knows it.'

It hurt more than Debbie cared to admit that Ximena was calling her by her name again.

'What do you mean even mama knows… O fuck-'.

Suddenly it dawned on her. It was like she could see the scene unfold in her head. That conversation with Lou in the bathroom when Ximena was asleep, and Lou wondered if Ximena would ever be alright; Ximena had heard everything. She had been awake.  
Ximena felt like Lou had given up on her, that was why she was keeping her distance.

'No, no, no', she said with a slight panic in her voice, vaguely aware that the old lady was staring at them. 'Mama didn't mean that.'

Ximena shook her head with a pained smile. 'She didn't mean for me to hear it, but she meant everything.'

Debbie stared at the stone in front of her. Almost willing Danny to step out of it, because she did not feel like she could do this alone. How was she going to tell Lou that Ximena felt like she would never be alright because of something Lou had said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make my day <3
> 
> Next time: It has to get worse, before it can get better. (but it will get better, I promise!)


	4. The Longest Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not even in prison had Debbie ever felt this hopeless, there had always been something to look forward to. Freedom, heists, Lou. But if she lost Ximena tonight, she would lose everything. Even if she did not lose Ximena tonight, she still might lose everything. Because this could happen again. If Ximena wanted to die, could they stop her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this took a little bit longer than expected. I greatly underestimated how much time uni takes up, also a lot of good stuff is going on in my life right now, but that means that this took a lot longer than expected. I haven't really been on ao3, so I still have a lot of reading and catching up to do, but decided to post this chapter before you all forgot what this story is about.  
Also, I don't think this will be a weekly update-thing anymore (as you could probably already tell LOL). I really want to do the themes in this story justice and the time limit does not help with that. However I do promise that this story has an ending and I will finish it.  
This was a very hard chapter to write and I really like to know what you guys think.

Tammy curled up against her girlfriend underneath the blankets. Why Nineball slept with her big window open in February was still a mystery to her, but she was not opposed to some cuddling with the younger hacker. It had been only three months since she and her husband had officially divorced and the novelty of sleeping next to Nineball had yet to wear off. 

When she had almost drifted off to sleep, she heard the annoying buzz of a cell phone. 

‘Mmsorry’, mumbled Nineball, rolling over and grabbing the phone. Tammy shut her eyes tighter against the faint glow of the phone, how Nineball was staring at the bright screen was beyond her. 

‘Fuck’, swore Nineball and reluctantly, Tammy opened her eyes. 

‘What’s wrong?’, she questioned. 

Nineball was sitting against the headboard with her phone in hand. ‘Listen to this, Ximena texted me: “Hi Nine, by now my moms have probably already called you or they will soon. Please don’t send my location to them, I am safe and would very much like some privacy.”.’

For a moment, Tammy was baffled but then she found her voice again. ‘But Lou and Debbie did not call us, right?’, she said, rolling over to her night stand to check her phone as well. 

In the dark room she almost missed Nineball’s shake of the head. ‘They haven’t called me.’

‘Can you see where she is?’, asked Tammy. She had not needed to because her girlfriend was already typing away on her phone. 

‘Smart little fucker’, cursed Nineball. ‘She sent the text with delay and she switched her phone off.’

‘That means you can’t find her?’, questioned Tammy worriedly. 

Nineball gave her a glare. ‘’Course I can.’

She grabbed her laptop from the nightstand and started typing so fast that Tammy could barely understand how her thoughts could keep up with that speed. 

Minutes ticked by as Tammy watched dark tattooed fingers fly over the key board.

‘Found her’, came Nineball’s hoarse voice finally. ‘She is at this address on seventh. Do we know anyone called Richard, Anne or Cecilia Jones?’

‘Uhm’, Tammy thought out loud. ‘Isn’t Cecilia that friend of Ximena? She was at her birthday party, right?’  
‘You mean the Asian girl or the one with those thicc thighs?’, asked Nineball, already searching for a Cecilia Jones on Instagram. 

‘I would describe her as the girl with the bangs, but sure the one with the thick thighs.’, responded Tammy. ‘So, Ximena is with her friend. What do we do now?’

Nineball shrugged. ‘I’m actually with Ximena on the privacy thing and Debbie and Lou haven’t called yet, so I suggest we go to sleep.’

Tammy was not so sure that that was the best option. She knew how stressed Debbie was about Ximena’s behavior recently and she felt like she owed it to her friend to let her know what was going on. 

Nineball seemed to sense Tammy’s doubt. ‘She is sixteen, boo. I didn’t know where Veronica was half the time, when she was a teen.’ 

Tammy nodded. She respected her girlfriend’s opinion, knowing that she had semi-raised a child herself. ‘Thing is, Debbie is not gonna murder you, but me when she finds out that we kept this from her.’

Nine let out a low chuckle. ‘Oh, she gonna murder me too.’ Suddenly the smile faded from her face as she focused her attention on a new window that had popped up on her screen. ‘That’s bad’, she noted. 

‘What’s bad?’, questioned Tammy worriedly. 

‘Someone at the house called 911.’

***

Debbie walked behind Tammy through the brightly lit hospital corridor. The empty hospital at night gave a surreal vibe, making it even harder for Debbie to believe this was not just a bad dream. This whole night seemed so crazy, she could only hope that it was just a nightmare. 

The nightmare had started hours earlier, when Lou, Ximena and she had come back from an appointment with dr. Parker. The therapist had suggested that Ximena should try anti-depressants. To Debbie this felt counterproductive, because they did not want Ximena to escape into drugs. That was part of the reason they went to the therapist.  
Eileen Parker had also suggested that they should give Ximena a bit more freedom and let her hang out with her friends, which also went against their instincts to keep the girl close and safe. 

Ximena had been completely worn out after the therapy session and went to bed immediately after Debbie had almost force-fed her a few bites of baked potato. 

This had left the evening free for Lou and Debbie to talk. Dr. Parker had given them plenty to think about. Did they need to loosen their tight hold on Ximena? Debbie was eager to discuss this with Lou, but Lou had been unusually quiet. 

Lou had lost her confidence.

First, she had found out that Ximena had heard her say that she doubted that she would ever be alright and it had made a deep dent in Ximena’s spirit and now dr. Parker had told her that Lou had gone completely the wrong way with how she had been trying to keep Ximena safe. 

Lou did not trust her judgement anymore. 

Debbie had spent the evening trying to boost up Lou’s confidence, which was something that had never needed done before and it actually scared her more than a little to see her girlfriend this way.

Then suddenly Tammy had appeared in their kitchen and told them that she and Nine were going to drive them to the hospital. Because apparently Ximena was at the hospital. This seemed unreal because Ximena was supposed to be asleep in her room. 

Lou had turned the whitest shade of pale and Debbie had been quite sure that Lou would faint.

‘I didn’t check’, Lou had stammered before quickly making her way to Ximena’s room. Nobody was in the room. Debbie only believed Lou when she had seen it herself. The open window with the fire escape almost mocking her. With a face full of pity and compassion, Tammy had ushered them into some clothing and in the back of a car. 

Nineball had swiftly driven them to the hospital. Nobody had said much. 

Ten minutes into the drive, Cecilia’s mom had actually called them, told them that they were at the hospital. It seemed like Ximena had drank way too much and was in a coma. Debbie did not really remember answering and had hung up the phone. 

She walked through the empty corridor behind Tammy, her hand gripping Lou’s tightly. The small part of her brain that was not occupied by Ximena, felt a great relief that Tammy was there. Tammy, who was confidently guiding them through the hospital, seemingly knowing where to go. She did not think she could have done that and she was pretty sure that Lou would have been no help either. 

Tammy guided them to a small waiting room. It was not hard to recognize Cecilia’s parents, both had the same plump built and round friendly face as their daughter’s best friend. Cecilia was slumped against her father, her eyes swollen and her face red and blotchy. 

Debbie felt goosebumps rise on her arms. Everything about the waiting room felt wrong. Lou was never this subdued, Cecilia usually always smiled. Nineball never looked this tense. Tammy’s eyes were full of pity and Cecilia’s mom’s face was full of guilt. Everything felt incredibly wrong. Debbie felt a strong urge to flee the room, but at the same time, she seemed rooted to the floor.

A man in a white coat came towards them and together with Anne, Cecilia’s mom, they explained what happened. Apparently, Cecilia and Ximena had decided to raid the Jones’ liquor cabinet and at some point during the evening Ximena had found some of Anne’s oxycodone and taken the pills. The moment Cecilia noticed that Ximena became really drowsy, she had called 911.  
The doctors had pumped Ximena’s stomach by now and were doing some stuff with counter-medication, Debbie did not really understand. All she understood was that they had to wait and could not see Ximena yet. 

Cecilia looked incredibly guilty from her spot next to her dad.

‘Debbie, Lou, I am so sorry. We were so stupid, but I swear I didn’t know. I swear we didn’t mean to...’, tears were streaming down the girl’s face and she was rambling. ‘I should have called you, when she snuck out, but we just wanted to hang out and have some fun. But then she was in a really weird mood and I should have noticed, but I didn’t. I’m so sorry.’, tears and snot were running down Cecilia’s face as she explained herself.

Lou’s hand twitched in Debbie’s grip, almost as if to prompt Debbie to handle the hysterical teen.  
Debbie felt a bit sorry for Cecilia. It really was not her fault. They should not have kept the girls apart and she really did not blame the girl for drinking, all teenagers did that.

‘You could not have known’, Debbie recognized her own voice but barely realized that she was talking to Cecilia. ‘It is just that Ximena has been dealing with some stuff from her past and sometimes she really tries to forget all that. You could not have known.’

Cecilia looked immensely relieved that Debbie was not shouting at her. ‘She never really talks about it, about Tijuana, I mean.’

Debbie nodded. She was not at all surprised to hear that. She looked over to Tammy, hoping that the woman would know what to do, because she really did not know what to do with herself right now. 

Tammy sat down on a row of chairs and bopped her head to the side to indicate that Debbie and Lou should do the same. Debbie sat down next to her, pulling Lou with her. Lou’s hand felt unusually cold in her hold. 

Lou had been sitting for less than a minute before she raised herself up and stood in the corner. Debbie missed the warmth next to her immediately. More importantly, she missed her Lou. She missed Lou being her safe space, Lou who always made her feel better with a reassuring smile or a sneaky wink. But right now, Lou could not provide that to her, because maybe this was not going to get better. 

Maybe this was going to end badly. The thought loomed so prominently above Debbie’s head. This could all go wrong.

Debbie could barely breath with fear and her heart was thumping so loud, she was quite sure that Tammy could hear it.  
The thought that she might lose Ximena was so overwhelming that she did not dare think about it, yet it seemed to occupy every fiber of her body.

Not even in prison had she ever felt this hopeless, there had always been something to look forward to. Freedom, heists, Lou. But if she lost Ximena tonight, she would lose everything. Even if she did not lose Ximena tonight, she still might lose everything. Because this could happen again. If Ximena wanted to die, could they stop her? 

The walls of the waiting room were closing in on Debbie. It was so much like prison, except she could not think of any thoughts to keep herself calm. Not the promise of a heist or a happy Lou could distract her right now.

Then she suddenly realized that this was not her prison cell and that she could actually leave.

She stood up, forcing herself not to run, she slowly walked towards the door. She slid her hand in the pocket of Lou’s coat. Lou did not react, maybe she was too far away or maybe Debbie still had her pickpocket skills. When she had collected Lou’s lighter and cigarettes, she went to the nearest exit.

Once outside, she tried to lit her cigarette. It had been a long time and her trembling fingers did not seem to remember how to do the flick that was necessary to light the lighter.  
A warm hand gently took the lighter out of hers and held it up to her cigarette. Finally, the tip glowed up.

Debbie took a deep drag and looked up. Tammy. 

The younger mother looked at her with compassion in her eyes. 

‘It’s gonna be okay’, promised Tammy.

That was when Debbie’s sight got blurry with tears. Nothing about this was okay. Lou was barely here, Ximena might die and Debbie was more scared than she ever had been in her life. She sucked at the cigarette like it was a life line, the breathing strangely helping her keep her tears.

‘You don’t know that.’, said Debbie somber. ‘Even when she wakes up, we don’t know if she is gonna be alright.’

She took a deep drag, the smoke painfully tingling in her tight throat.

‘My daughter is so unhappy with her life. With us. That she is doing everything to escape it. That’s bad, Tammy.’ Her voice broke. ‘That is really bad.’ 

Debbie stared at Tammy, almost willing Tammy to defy her. But Tammy stayed silent for a long time.

‘You’re not alone, Deb’, she said softly at last. 

Debbie closed her eyes, trying not to lose herself completely. The fact that even practical Tammy, who normally had five more solutions than were necessary for the problem, was at a loss here… It was not good. 

She stuck the cigarette back in her mouth, desperate for the comfort it gave her. It had gone out.

‘Fuck’, she cursed. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’ She threw the cigarette on the ground and stamped on it. She knew she was making a scene but she could not stop herself. Her sight was blocked by tears, but she felt two warm arms pulling her in.

She desperately wished that the blonde giving her comfort was Lou, but it was Tammy of course. She did not know how long she stayed in the embrace.

She did not know how much time had passed when Nineball appeared from around the corner. ‘Hey’, she said a little breathless. ‘You can go see Ximena now.’

‘Is she awake?’, asked Debbie, standing up immediately. 

Nineball shrugged apologetically. ‘I dunno, you gotta ask the doc.’

Debbie rushed back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time : Lou makes a promise (and Tammy is about the best friend anyone could wish for.)


	5. this isn’t about us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie stared at her sobbing daughter and vaguely realized that maybe she should have prepared herself mentally for the moment that Ximena would wake up. She had no idea what to do, she had been so busy with wishing that Ximena would wake up that she had not thought beyond that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back haha. I am so sorry for the long hiatus. This chapter just refused to be written. I am still not completely happy with it, but all the other chapters are as good as done so I figured I just put this one out here and then I can finally tell the rest of this story.   
I hope people are still interested in this story, a small recap: Ximena was admitted to the hospital after she mixed a lot of alcohol with some other substances.

Debbie looked at the still form of her daughter. Ximena looked incredibly small in the big white hospital bed. She had not woken up yet and all the machines around the bed made the room look scary. Still, Debbie already felt so much better now she could see and touch Ximena. She knew nothing was solved though.  
The iron fist around her throat had loosened up just enough that breathing felt doable again and her heart rate now beat in sync with the motion of her thumb stroking Ximena’s hand. 

Lou sat at the opposite side of the bed and that was further than Debbie would have liked, but right now, Ximena was the one who needed their attention. Lou’s arm was draped over Ximena’s pillow and she was softly whispering in her daughter’s ear. It was actually so soft that Debbie could barely catch the words Lou spoke but it sounded like sweet little nothings and nursery rhymes. 

There was a lot to say when Ximena woke up, but right now Debbie did not want to think about that. She just wanted Ximena to wake up. They had not really spoken much since they went to see Ximena, both too occupied with Ximena and their own fears. 

For Debbie it felt a bit wrong that she had not yet hugged Lou or told her they would make it. She knew Lou craved that comfort right now, but Debbie just could not give it.   
Later, she promised herself, when Ximena had woken up, she would give Lou the support she deserved. 

The doctors were pretty sure that Ximena would wake up in the next few hours and if she did there would not be any long-term physical damage.   
Sure enough, when the morning sun had completely filled the hospital room, Ximena began stirring as if she was about to wake up from a long night. Which in all fairness, was what she was going to do.  
Lou’s chin was resting on the mattress and her eyes were watching Ximena’s every move.   
Ximena opened her eyes, looked around the room and immediately started crying. 

Debbie stared at her sobbing daughter and vaguely realized that maybe she should have prepared herself mentally for the moment that Ximena would wake up. She had no idea what to do, she had been so busy with wishing that Ximena would wake up that she had not thought beyond that.

However, Lou sprung in action immediately. She yelled Tammy’s name through the door and then positioned herself in Ximena’s sight. 

‘Hey sweetheart’, she smiled, hovering over her daughter and stroking her hair. Ximena’s eyes focused on Lou and she opened her mouth trying to speak, but Lou gently shook her head and placed her finger on Ximena’s mouth.   
‘You’re going to be okay’, Lou whispered softly. ‘We are here. We love you. We will figure everything out.’ Lou repeated those words like a mantra.  
Tears were rolling down Lou’s cheeks and Debbie knew that if anyone but Ximena had made her partner cry this many times, Debbie would have kicked their asses.

Tammy came in, followed by a doctor and a nurse. Business filled the room as the doctor and the nurse focused on some monitors. Lou stayed right above Ximena, radiating a calm that Debbie had not seen for weeks in her partner. 

Debbie had not moved in the few minutes that Ximena had woken up. She sat frozen on her chair. She heard the doctor’s positive responses to the monitors, she saw Ximena uncertainly smiling up to Lou and she watched Lou being Lou again.   
Only when Tammy gently pinched her shoulder, she realized that she was shaking with tears. She leaned back into her best friend, promising herself that one day she would thank Tammy properly for this night. 

**

‘Do you wanna go see Ximena?’, a hand rested gently on Cecilia’s shoulder. Cecilia looked up and saw the friendly face of one the friends of Ximena’s moms. Tammy, she was fairly sure was her name. Cecilia glanced uncertainly at her mom.   
However cowardly it may be, she was not sure if she dared to go see Ximena. She got anxious just thinking about being in a room with Ximena again. She did not know what she should say to Ximena.   
Ever since Ximena had drowsed away last night and Cecilia had called the ambulance this nasty knot had settled in her stomach. That knot had only grown during the night when Lou and Debbie had both been so pale and quiet and her mom and Tammy had had a whispered conversation, looking extremely serious. Cecilia did not know how she could be of any help and she was scared. She hoped that the adults could fix this, but she was not so sure.

She remembered how she had joked with Ximena yesterday. How they had complained about parents and how they did not understand anything about their lives. How unreasonable Ximena’s moms had become, that her father should stop treating her like a little girl.   
Cecilia had been the one to suggest that they nicked some of her parents’ booze. She had started this whole mess. Just because they wanted to prove to their parents that they could handle themselves. 

How wrong she had been. She felt like she had made a big mistake, the knot in her stomach reminded her of that time that she had tried to climb from her balcony to that of her best friend, one balcony down when she was eight. The pain in her stomach she had felt when her mom and dad explained just how badly that could have ended, was similar to the pain in her stomach now. She felt very small.

“I’m sure Ximena would like to see a friendly face…’, pushed her mom gently and Cecilia could do nothing else but nod as she stood up to follow Tammy.

**

Debbie looked awkwardly at her girlfriend across from her, they had settled in an empty kitchenet just a few doors down from Ximena’s room. She knew that Lou wanted to hug her, but something stopped her from stepping into Lou’s arms. She felt like she should be the one hugging Lou. Finally giving Lou that comfort she deserved but Lou was radiating this weird power right now and this somehow stopped Debbie from embracing her girlfriend. It had never been so awkward. Usually their hugs and touches came naturally, they never thought about it. It just happened. 

She took Lou’s hands in her own and looked at the woman across her. Suddenly Lou’s lips were on hers. It was not a heated kiss but it contained some urgency. Debbie gripped Lou’s hands tightly as she pressed her mouth even harder against Lou. It had been weeks since they kissed like this. 

When she finally pulled away there were tears in both their eyes. 

‘I..’, started Debbie, not really sure what she wanted to say.

Lou squeezed her hand. ‘I know.’, she nodded.

Debbie shook her head, needing to say the words out loud, to make them even more true.

‘I’m glad you’re back’, smiled the brunette, finally leaning into the embrace Lou offered. 

Her face was buried in Lou’s shoulder, but she knew that her partner would still understand her.  
‘What changed?’, she questioned.

Lou’s hand twirled around Debbie’s hair as she answered. ‘Last night, I think I finally understand what people mean when they say that parenting is about thinking about someone else than yourself.’ 

Debbie looked up, ready to object. ‘You have been putting Ximena first from the beginning. You have been putting others first ever since I met you.’

Lou looked at her intensely. ‘That is not what they mean. Parenting is not just about putting your child first. Last night… when we almost…’. Lou’s hand played with her necklaces in a manner that Debbie recognized as Lou trying to think of new ways to explain. Normally that manner was saved for Rose or Constance. 

‘Last night, when we almost lost her, I suddenly realized something more important. We almost lost Ximena, but Ximena almost lost her life. You see, all this time I was feeling this guilt about how I messed up and my fear about how I could lose her, but this is not about me nor my feelings. This is about Ximena and her emotions.’  
Debbie was not sure if she completely understood what had gotten into Lou, but she gave a small nod to indicate that she was still listening. 

‘I don’t know how to explain this’, sighed Lou frustrated. ‘But last night I suddenly realized that Ximena was scared too, that she decided to trust us, when nothing in the world gave her any indication that that would be a good idea and she still took that leap of trust. All this time we have been handling from our fear and our expectations…’

Lou glanced at her. 

‘…but this isn’t about us?’, finished Debbie. 

Lou nodded, evidently relieved that Debbie understood her. ‘It’s about our daughter.’


End file.
